Archive for the ‘Husky Stories’ Category


Husky Moments

March 25, 2008

My parents were fat kids, thusly I was blessed with the genetic gift of childhood obesity (or as I like to call it Fat Shit Syndrome). Growing up, I was always in a constant battle with the fat gene, gaining weight even when I’d eat a plain salad. I was the kid in class that had a Jenny Craig lunch and considered it a treat when my mom packed 2 Snackwell cookies in my lunch. I carried around a calorie counter in my pocket and only weighed myself after bringing the Browns to the Superbowl because it gave me an advantage. I smiled and looked Asian because my jowls pressed my eyes closed so much. I was such a little butterball that I passed clothes down to my older brother.

Fat Champion

I couldn’t run the mile because of my giant Old Country Buffet legs and my 70-year-old chain smoker’s lungs (a.k.a. asthma), but I got really good at speed walking. Every term, it was a race between me and the fat girl that hoovered a bag of Doritos as she circled the track. (I blew that puta out of the water with a record of 8 wins and 2 losses.) I was that weeble that waddled around the hallways of school, the whole time chafing the hell out of my legs. Gold Bond was a good friend of mine.

Fat Running

Don’t be mistaken… I was a cool fat kid. The majority of fat kids figure out at an early age that we need to be funny out of necessity. When you’re younger, kids are so damn cutthroat. The only defense to hecklers and skinny assholes that get off on pointing out your rolls and asking you when you last saw your dong is to be funnier than them. And I was damn good at it… still am.

Those of you with fast metabolisms have no idea what it’s like to walk into Marshall’s or JCPenney and walk to the “Husky” section. No, it’s not the “Pleasantly Plump” or “Big-Boned” section. The Husky section is our school clothes Mecca. Husky is a sugar-coated way to say “Congratulations, you’re the fat kid.” I’m a proud patron of the Husky section, and I’m sure my kids will be the same way.

Whenever you see a “Husky Moment” post, look forward to a story about my days as a little corpulent shit and enjoy laughing at my misfortune, you asshole.