Posts Tagged ‘Bagel’


A Lesson in Tipping

April 4, 2008

Today I had the most awkward tipping experience of my life. Instead of following in my footsteps (since I’m an archetypical role model), learn from my mistakes as a dumbass and avoid these moves.

Out at Breakfast with my friend Bagel, I wanted to pay for our breakfast to thank him for putting me up in his house.

Mistake #1: Failure to look at the bill
* In my haste to be such a thankful friend, I totally didn’t look at the bill, instead pulling out my wallet and pushing his hand away like the total assclown I am.

Mistake #2: Forgetting Credit Card
*It was about this time I realized I didn’t have my credit card or license on me. So I now have my wallet out, insisting I pay for the meal, but I have no frigging idea how I’m going to actually pay for it. Meanwhile, the waitress is standing there awaiting payment since I told her I had it covered.


Mistake #3: Grabbing any dollar bill available
* The meal was only $9.50, and because I have the luck of a protester in Tiananmen Square, I pulled out a $10 bill. Think about the repercussions of that one…

After I awkwardly place the money in the waitresses hand, I look at Bagel and smile (the whole time cycling through contingency plans for how I’ll tip this girl.) When she returns, she has this really odd look on her face. She holds out her hand and asks, “Uh… did you want… the $0.50 back?”

Now, I feel like a total asshole. Fortunately, while she was busy figuring out the change, I managed to scrape up $1, a quarter and 4 pennies. What’s that? I sound like a cheapass? Well, do your math, putzy. $1.79 is over a 15% tip. So maybe I was a little too trigger happy in pulling out my wallet, but consider me the Norman Frigging Rockefeller of breakfast tipping.


A Mohel and his Meat

March 29, 2008

While visiting Massachusetts, I went with my friend, Bagel, to his weekly meeting with a local Rabbi. Bagel meets with the Rabbi to learn about the laws of Judaism, and I was fortunate enough to come in on a discussion of Kosher Laws.

kosher kitty
A recent photo of the Rabbi

Everyone always asks me why Jews keep Kosher and if I’ve ever eaten bacon.
1. Jews keep Kosher because of laws set in place centuries ago to prevent illness due to the consumption of certain types of food, such as pork, shellfish, etc. (Plus, pigs are like superheroes to us…)
2. Yes, believe it or not, I’ve eaten bacon, ham, cheeseburgers, shrimp, lobster and anything else that blatantly breaks the Kosher laws. (You don’t have to keep Kosher to be considered a good Jew. Besides, we have the FDA now.)

Circle U

So the Rabbi is teaching us about the Kosher laws, enlightening us on laws regarding the preparation of meat and reasoning for not being able to eat pork, shellfish and, yes, even human flesh. (That’s right, despite his delicious Plasma Noodle Soup with Matzah Ball recipe, Jeffrey Dahmer would not be considered Kosher.)

As I’m learning about these laws, I feel compelled to ask the Rabbi a question. I interrupt his explanation to say, “Excuse me, Rabbi. This is a random question, but I’ve been meaning to ask someone in your profession for a long time.”

Rabbi: “What is it you want to know?”
Me: “Well, here’s what I don’t understand. When I was younger, my cousin had his circumcision. My brother was his godfather and had to hold him while the Mohel did his things with the scissors.”
Rabbi: “Yes?”
Me: “Well, my brother’s holding my cousin, the mohel snips his tip and five minutes later, the entire family is eating a fresh tray of cold cuts. What’s the deal with this “snip-tip, eat-meat” tradition or can you at least tell me what goes best on a Kaiser roll with onion and tomato?”