Posts Tagged ‘Dickie’


Quotes from LA, Pt. 1

March 28, 2008

1) My brother to Cat, a dancing professional at Cheetah’s Fine Exotic Establishment: “Why did you have a British accent the last time I was here?” Answer: “Because I hate my life…”

2) Drunk New Yorker who took notice of my Red Sox hat: “Joba Chamberlain is going to fuck you like a fly. Right up the poop…”

3) My brother and I having a discussion with Lillith, another dancing queen from Cheetahs:

Dickie: So what made you choose Lillith as a name?
Me: Is it because you like Frasier?
Lillith: Lillith was in the Garden of Eden before Eve, but she was kicked out because she was too naughty, just like me.
Dickie: You have really kind eyes…


Brotherly Love

March 24, 2008

In all the experiences I’ve been through in my life (from being a fat, lactose-intolerant little shit to almost being robbed by a French pimp in Madrid) I’ve always kept one thing in mind.

I have such an awesome family. In all honesty, I couldn’t be more glad to have my mom, dad and brother. Ultimately, my relationship with my brother, Dickie, has made me into what I am today (more or less, a perfect asshole).

From an early age, I could tell my brother really cared about my well-being. He was always focused on building my character. At the age of 5, whenever I was too loud or obnoxious and disturbed the peace, he would drag me outside and proceed to beat the everloving shit out of me in front of the other neighborhood kids. Thank God the Boystown van never drove by, or he woulda had some ‘splainin to do, Lucy.

Dickie took great joy in having a superspeedy metabolism compared to mine. One of his favorite past times was to heat up two boxes of microwavable french fries and take out a couple packs of Famous Amos Chocolate Chip cookies and gorge right in front of my face, as I sat crying and farting in a fit of envy/rage.

As I got older, Dickie discovered new ways to instill his values in me. Whether it was choking me to near death in front of my best friends or telling my parents that I was buying Spice Channel movies on the television at the age of 9, he really looked out for my wellbeing.

All in all, those loving moments with Dickie led to the El Cappytan that writes for you today. So I guess there is a plus side to having a complete asswipe for a brother. Thanks, bud.